dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
