im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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