I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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