yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
