i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How does one acquire holy water?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
