Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
