I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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