it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
