He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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