rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
