the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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