New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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