there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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