dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
