I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
