I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
