24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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