I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Alive.
So much puke
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize