I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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