i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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