Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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