and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
