Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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