So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
