its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
