Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
