my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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