update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
