I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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