He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
