U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
