I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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