i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize