i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
