just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
