Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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