Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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(505): I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously. http://tfl.nu/fpp3

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(325): View more from Texas

I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder

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(325): I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder http://tfl.nu/v6lr

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god. http://tfl.nu/co52

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(781): My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss http://tfl.nu/yqt0

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr

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(352): View more from Florida

This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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(352): This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode http://tfl.nu/n1t3

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(503): I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions.. http://tfl.nu/v6no

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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(651): Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man. http://tfl.nu/8z1d

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(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

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(303): But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed. http://tfl.nu/6rp2

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(940): View more from Texas

you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.

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(940): you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can. http://tfl.nu/3ex5

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(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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(971): You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified. http://tfl.nu/imja

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(801): View more from Utah

Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"

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(801): Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night" http://tfl.nu/sbyz

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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(918): I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand. http://tfl.nu/relm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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(215): I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that. http://tfl.nu/2qs0

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