I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.