i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?