note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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