he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
