WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
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Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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