Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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