I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
