i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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