Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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