I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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