How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
