4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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