Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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