I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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