Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
