every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I still have a little drunk in my system
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
