Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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