I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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