Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
