You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
