He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
