Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
