Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
