Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthdayâ€
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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