I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
